Yes, all you poor white anglo guys have been taught that's bad, when you were a kid. And it's not even fully reliable; different women want different emotions. Some want confident, some want vulnerable, some want the geek, who gets totally carried away by the same thing they love. Some want the humour you actually feel in your bones, because this whole fucking world, ugh - either laugh or shoot yourself...
Well, what do I do? If you "want" to be stuck up and unhappy, just go for it, you'll be sure to succeed.
It is really sad that Anglo-American men were taught at an early age to suppress their emotions (aside from anger, of course). At least that was the case during my childhood, when everything was "gay" (derogatory).
And it was also de rigueur to *bury deep* any genuine need for companionship or emotional vulnerability, reducing the entire romantic impulse to sexuality (and not even truly intimate sexuality... just the "pump-and-dump" version).
So you get this depreciated narrative around romance where women offer men sex transactionally (with the subtext that it's reluctantly) and men offer money or DIY projects around the house, in return. Which is... bleak.
But normal is what you know. And I know so many men who genuinely don't think friendship with women is possible, basically see them as strange creatures, and don't know how to relate to them at all (even when they are ostensibly in a relationship with them).
I'm in my late 50s, and never struggled with having a GF, after an initial, brief awkward stage in my teens.
The bigger issue for me was, as you said, figuring out what I wanted. I picked toxic women, and shunned normal women. That was my baggage from my childhood. No surprise, the toxic women married me, used me, cheated on me.
And I found myself in my 50s twice divorced, traumatized, and ostracized.
But I found a support community of folks in a similar situation (mostly women), got my head on straight (good therapy), and started dating.
And honestly, the apps are a great way to meet suitable partners, if you have the right expectations (your psychology), priors (understanding of the opposite sex) and are willing to make a little effort.
Take this article's advice to heart, my young brothers. I'm what Ali Wong would classify a "kind 6," and I've had some long dry spells in my 83 years (well, 65 years since I paid a twenty-something bar girl in Tijuana to end my virginity), but I also had many fulfilling relationships before my marriage at 48 (the most fulfilling of all). Just be friendly, be honest, and if you want to know what a woman is thinking, ask her.
I like that you've made the case that the "Chad Dream" isn't even desirable.
Because it isn't! Anything you gorge on becomes tiresome after a while, including sex with women (or men) you don't know. Even if you could manage to have sex with different beautiful women nightly, what's left on the other side of that? We're basically talking about some alternate version of "gooning," which has diminishing returns as a compulsive addiction.
But maybe these guys don't know any middle-aged Casanovas to know how quickly hedonists tire of hedonism. Incels are vulnerable to misguided fantasies because they are so lonely in the first place, so IRL exposure to people who might teach them lessons is lacking. But the culture is full of archetypes of the tragic man who has aged out of his womanizing, so parasocial examples are available: One of the most notorious OG "Chads" in Internet history, Tucker Max, eventually recanted on his ecosystem of pick-up artistry and raunchy (probably largely fictional) sex-capades. Max currently resides with his wife and four children in Austin, TX and wrote a whole book about how stupid it all was.
And, as for the far-right edgelords who want to condemn American women to economic dependence on men, just think about how obviously bleak this scenario of the Evil Prince here would be:
"Some percent of incels turn to the “red pill” — they believe that if women can be barred from having jobs, it will force them to accept lower-status men as mates out of pure economic necessity. Have you ever read a fairy tale about a prince who tries to force a poor girl to marry him, even though she clearly hates him?"
Do you *actually* want to live with a trad-wife sex-slave who not-so-secretly hates you, submits to you sexually only with the deepest revulsion, and might even decide one day to poison you, like these village ladies in Nagyrév, Hungary apparently did around the Turn-of-the Century (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angel_Makers_of_Nagyr%C3%A9v)?
Maybe if you've never had sex or related to a woman in any way, this seems like a decent idea. But it's textbook "be careful what you wish for" territory, in practice. And, again, don't take my word for it, just look at the troubled history of rich-guy trophy wives, in practice. Or watch a Neflix documentary about sister-wives or something.
As a teenager, I was horribly shy. Spending HS in a boarding school outside of Boston where there were 2.5 guys to every girl made adolescence a lot harder than it needed to be.
What changed it all for me--as a smart kid who had trouble getting out of his head--was physicality. Learning how to dance. Joining the Wrestling team (undefeated JV!). Post-HS: learning how to do massage therapy; and then getting into Sexual Tantra, Chi Kung, T'Ai Chi and meditation.
While Noah warned against recommendations, when I was thirteen--very much pre-internet--my father gave me a copy of "The Joy of Sex." Which I read and re-read, and practically memorized. I still remember trying out some of the techniques I gleaned from it on my first few sexual encounters as a teen, and being like, "Wow, this stuff really works!" All of which paved the way for the later exploration of Tantra.
So yes, investing time and money into broadening your technical expertise and becoming more embodied will definitely pay big dividends down the road.
And while Noah listed "Helping raise the kids" as his #3 reason why women want guys, it could be better amended to: "Developing the capacity to make your woman happy." Which is a broad category that includes (possible) parenting; but primarily addresses the capacity to nourish the relationship.
Love 💕 this piece 🧩
One little thing: Show your emotions!!
Yes, all you poor white anglo guys have been taught that's bad, when you were a kid. And it's not even fully reliable; different women want different emotions. Some want confident, some want vulnerable, some want the geek, who gets totally carried away by the same thing they love. Some want the humour you actually feel in your bones, because this whole fucking world, ugh - either laugh or shoot yourself...
Well, what do I do? If you "want" to be stuck up and unhappy, just go for it, you'll be sure to succeed.
It is really sad that Anglo-American men were taught at an early age to suppress their emotions (aside from anger, of course). At least that was the case during my childhood, when everything was "gay" (derogatory).
And it was also de rigueur to *bury deep* any genuine need for companionship or emotional vulnerability, reducing the entire romantic impulse to sexuality (and not even truly intimate sexuality... just the "pump-and-dump" version).
So you get this depreciated narrative around romance where women offer men sex transactionally (with the subtext that it's reluctantly) and men offer money or DIY projects around the house, in return. Which is... bleak.
But normal is what you know. And I know so many men who genuinely don't think friendship with women is possible, basically see them as strange creatures, and don't know how to relate to them at all (even when they are ostensibly in a relationship with them).
Great essay Noah.
I'm in my late 50s, and never struggled with having a GF, after an initial, brief awkward stage in my teens.
The bigger issue for me was, as you said, figuring out what I wanted. I picked toxic women, and shunned normal women. That was my baggage from my childhood. No surprise, the toxic women married me, used me, cheated on me.
And I found myself in my 50s twice divorced, traumatized, and ostracized.
But I found a support community of folks in a similar situation (mostly women), got my head on straight (good therapy), and started dating.
And honestly, the apps are a great way to meet suitable partners, if you have the right expectations (your psychology), priors (understanding of the opposite sex) and are willing to make a little effort.
You nailed it.
Take this article's advice to heart, my young brothers. I'm what Ali Wong would classify a "kind 6," and I've had some long dry spells in my 83 years (well, 65 years since I paid a twenty-something bar girl in Tijuana to end my virginity), but I also had many fulfilling relationships before my marriage at 48 (the most fulfilling of all). Just be friendly, be honest, and if you want to know what a woman is thinking, ask her.
I like that you've made the case that the "Chad Dream" isn't even desirable.
Because it isn't! Anything you gorge on becomes tiresome after a while, including sex with women (or men) you don't know. Even if you could manage to have sex with different beautiful women nightly, what's left on the other side of that? We're basically talking about some alternate version of "gooning," which has diminishing returns as a compulsive addiction.
But maybe these guys don't know any middle-aged Casanovas to know how quickly hedonists tire of hedonism. Incels are vulnerable to misguided fantasies because they are so lonely in the first place, so IRL exposure to people who might teach them lessons is lacking. But the culture is full of archetypes of the tragic man who has aged out of his womanizing, so parasocial examples are available: One of the most notorious OG "Chads" in Internet history, Tucker Max, eventually recanted on his ecosystem of pick-up artistry and raunchy (probably largely fictional) sex-capades. Max currently resides with his wife and four children in Austin, TX and wrote a whole book about how stupid it all was.
And, as for the far-right edgelords who want to condemn American women to economic dependence on men, just think about how obviously bleak this scenario of the Evil Prince here would be:
"Some percent of incels turn to the “red pill” — they believe that if women can be barred from having jobs, it will force them to accept lower-status men as mates out of pure economic necessity. Have you ever read a fairy tale about a prince who tries to force a poor girl to marry him, even though she clearly hates him?"
Do you *actually* want to live with a trad-wife sex-slave who not-so-secretly hates you, submits to you sexually only with the deepest revulsion, and might even decide one day to poison you, like these village ladies in Nagyrév, Hungary apparently did around the Turn-of-the Century (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angel_Makers_of_Nagyr%C3%A9v)?
Maybe if you've never had sex or related to a woman in any way, this seems like a decent idea. But it's textbook "be careful what you wish for" territory, in practice. And, again, don't take my word for it, just look at the troubled history of rich-guy trophy wives, in practice. Or watch a Neflix documentary about sister-wives or something.
As a teenager, I was horribly shy. Spending HS in a boarding school outside of Boston where there were 2.5 guys to every girl made adolescence a lot harder than it needed to be.
What changed it all for me--as a smart kid who had trouble getting out of his head--was physicality. Learning how to dance. Joining the Wrestling team (undefeated JV!). Post-HS: learning how to do massage therapy; and then getting into Sexual Tantra, Chi Kung, T'Ai Chi and meditation.
While Noah warned against recommendations, when I was thirteen--very much pre-internet--my father gave me a copy of "The Joy of Sex." Which I read and re-read, and practically memorized. I still remember trying out some of the techniques I gleaned from it on my first few sexual encounters as a teen, and being like, "Wow, this stuff really works!" All of which paved the way for the later exploration of Tantra.
So yes, investing time and money into broadening your technical expertise and becoming more embodied will definitely pay big dividends down the road.
And while Noah listed "Helping raise the kids" as his #3 reason why women want guys, it could be better amended to: "Developing the capacity to make your woman happy." Which is a broad category that includes (possible) parenting; but primarily addresses the capacity to nourish the relationship.
Two things which help are getting on Raya and getting your Wikipedia page updated to say that you're single
So it isn’t just the hanging Chad we have to worry about, it is the well hung Chad!
I just want to ask: Any input from your female subscribers?
Really solid advice.